Question of Self

Who am I? Where am I going? What am I becoming? Do I want to continue my path, or work my way into a new skin? The questions rock back and forth like a pendelum in my mind and bring the angering confusion forth, twisting my heart and soul until I can only, metephorically, weep. The issue is bringing up numerous confusions in my relationship and lapsing into arguments that go on for a series of days, maybe weeks, and an uneasy feeling that it's always though beneath the glamorous exterior of my significant other.

Only nights ago was I in tears after expressing an option to the one I loved, after informing her that I was about to go through changes and find out who I really was. I assured her that she may be hurt and she may be happy and that if she didn't want to follow me down this path, then she could leave. Deep down I felt like adding on, "If you don't choose to follow me now, the relationship ends with no hope of resurrection." My cruelty subsided, though, when she said she was scared but wanted to venture out at whatever cost it was to make me happy.

Yet I can't help but be mean to her the next moment I speak with her. I have such a hatred built up inside of me that I don't quite understand, one that Jekyll had within him before sipping on the concotion that first made him Hyde. A headspin of emotion constantly flows through my mind everytime I speak with her and most of the time it ends in argument. The question remains is she good enough for me, or I for her? The rumor mill's been turning and debunking its produce doesn't seem to aid in the situation.

Confusion and anger, sadness and hope, they all go hand in hand and the reoccur far too much these days. Needless to say, my love life isn't the only thing that's under attack.


I'll perhaps return on a brighter day,
~Jack

Books of Death and Near-Broken Hearts

My boss is a cool guy, he jokes around and slacks off a bit when the need to comes, but tonight he was on an updating frenzy. With the Christmas season around the corner, marketing at GameStop has become one of the most important things, seeing as, well, the game industry is dominant in the Christmas season. So as we completed the marketing that wasn't ablet o get done yesterday, we started updating the few shelves we had that could hold strategy guides. Now, the layout of our story isn't very complex, seeing as it's a hole in the wall, and the second smallest store in the mall, and we really have quite a surplus of "informative reading" meaning we have to put some in the back, namely on this shelf that we already have quite an amoutn set up on.

So after grabbing our whole stock of Fallout 3 SG's, Fable II SG's and Resistance 2 SG's from the back, I was sent to return all the ones we pulled off the shelves to replace those. Oddly, the ones I was taking back were heavier than the ones I had originally pulled. Meaning, moments after placing the majority on them and goign to the front to collect more, a loud thud echoed through the store, and probably the store below us as my boss went, "That sounded like that whole damn shelf just fell."

Upon going to the back room we were greeted by a flood of strategy guides and laughter from myself, my boss, and my co-worker. The people in the store were baffled, probably curious as to what the three nerds were laughing at and what the big bang was only moments ago. Unfortunately, I was set to clean up the strategy guides and pu t them neatly in the box, matching up games with games. The task took me all night.

Now as the night died down, I grew tired and weary, I had a sense of urgency to get the hell otu of there and get home to sit down and laze about, my dreams of sloth were only moments away when I call my significant other and embark on a conversation during the ride home. Now, I usually don't condone driving and talking ont he phone, but I've had very little trouble focusing on driving while I send out meager grunts in collaberation with the conversation going on in my ear. Anyway, a cord was struck during the conversation which ignited an argument that lasted literally 3 hours. Ending only after three threats of a break up and the idea of a break came around. Somehow it worked out that the two of us would stay together and give this relationship one final chance.

In one night I had a brush with Death and a brush with heartbreak, both of which were dodged without knowledge. Quite eventful in my humble opinion.

Oh, I'm sick of being in the 40 level range on WoW, someone get me to 70 pl0x?

Fallout 3 is ballin, btw.

Oh, and if I can get my phone to upload the pictures to the interwebz, I'll show you the sea of strategy guides. =P

So long,
~Mr. Jack

Trip to the Past

Memories are the strongest thing in human mind. Though we lose them, they're seemingly etched into the mind. Sometimes the bad memories are the strongest, but what would balance them but the few good. Seemingly, a person is more into losing the great memories, the memories that keep sanity around, than the bad ones that hurt us much more. The question is why?

I returned to my high school today, I recently graduated, but it's always good to think about the past four years of my life in the hallowed halls, and all the stuff I'd achieved, of all the friends I'd made, and all the bad things that have come to me recently seemingly disappeared for the few hours I was back in the old school. I remember the nonchalance of my Junior year, it only lasted my junior year, but it was probably the most I blossomed. The bad memories were gone, if only for a short period of time.

The question that comes tom ind is...if I destroy those memories for this short period of time...then why can't I do so for extended periods? To forget that something bad happened to you temporarily is so simple, but it seems that to do so for an extended amount of time is impossible for us. I leave you with this thought. Why can't we hold these bright feelings that come and go? Sometimes it's better to try to seize a moment of purity and happiness, one that's supposed to be indestructible. Give it a try, next time you're depressed, to take your mind of the depression and hold to the thoughts that bring you happiness. Slowly dissipate depression from your mind.

Decisions, Decisions

More often than not a person is confronted with the need to come to a decision about something that will transgress them intot he next area of their lives. Unfortunately, more times than not these decisions also revolve around something that will change your life in a major way. The constant thoughts that fill my mind when it comes to me making my most recent decision aren't helping me, because, well, the decision I plan to make could end up hurting both another person and myself, and when it comes to that point you have to play the good samaratin and decide whether or not another person's well being is enough to sacrafice as your own.

Throughout history, there have been numerous figures who's life decisions have changed the world for better and worse, and these decisions were basic items such as, should I do this instead of that this morning. Or maybe should I eat this instead of that. Such basic decisions seemingly create a ripple effect (The Butterfly Effect perhaps?) throughout their world and something great somehow happened to these select people. Now, I'm in no way comparing my decisions to this, but I have to say if a person can decide if they plan to eat eggs or toast this morning for breakfast, then why is it so hard for me to decide if I should or should not perform the action hidden within my mind.

There's always a feeling of guilt when the subject comes up as well. The fact that many promises are made and upon acting on this decision, those promises are broken, empty, and will leave a certain individual heartbroken and weak before me. I can't do that to another person, my inner being won't let me. So what's a man to do in this situation? Just sit back and let time pass him no matter the pain or stand up and take the reigns and make it through a major storm. Metaphorically speaking of course.